I have a friend who's just now figuring out they're polyamorous.
Could you please share your coming out as polyamorous stories, both to yourself and others? And any tips, thoughts and experience you may feel like talking about?
I think such a 'forum' would not only benefit my friend, it could also benefit us as a community, polyamorous or not.
Signed, your polyamorous hacker friend, Ella K.
As coming out stories go, I'm super boring:
Me: "I see no ethical issue with this. Let's hit the details. Hmm. That sounds fun, that doesn't. That sounds dangerous, that doesn't. Let's do the fun not-dangerous stuff, and know our risk levels."
Them: "But.. that's poly!"
Me: "That's basic contract/consent ethics. Make sure consent's not breached, determine desires and risks, contract for whatever you want, and go."
The poly was pretty much incidental, really.
I'll address discovery and then coming out as a different post.
Discovering I was poly for me was basically taking a hard look at how I felt about the fact that the person I was falling for already had 2 partners, and realizing I was totally ok with that. Watching his interactions with them 1.) Told me that I could function well with what I could see of how he handled relationshipping, and 2.) Told me I could easily feel what I later learned was called compersion.
Coming out; Friends were easy to tell, but my family is pretty conservative, so I obfuscated my relationships. I didn't want to be the person who ruined Christmas, and consequently I ended up skipping a wedding to not make my relationships the drama of their day, and then going to a funeral without my support systems because my family still didn't know. I have been since talking to my family members individually and it's not always been good but it at least is honest.
I did say that 'if I gonna have a relation ship I gonna be poly*', befor I actually had a relation ship.
When I had my first relation ship, we spoke about the reasons of being poly and where both fine with it.
In all later relation ships similar happend.
*I didn't used that word back then, because I didn't knew back then how ot's called
I feel like I should chime in with the detail that it doesn't have to be a permanent choice. I was seeing a few women when one suggested that at an upcoming festival while she was with her main boyfriend, I spend the evening in a cute mutual friend's tent. Cutie and I hooked up, got closer and closer, and we just stopped seeing others. [Con't]
We moved in together, and today we are married for a dozen years with three great kids. We made sure our vows didn't include exclusivity, in case we ever decided to open things back up, but we haven't wanted to, yet.
@LexPendragon totally! It's something very personal, and fluid! Thank you very much for your input! 🤗
@ella_kane I fell in love with someone who was poly while I was dating someone else who was theoretically open to it. (Before I started dating, I thought it could never work for me! Funny how that works, really.)
The existing relationship eventually ended, and the new one turned into a marriage some years later. We're currently poly but not seeing other people; that may change when our kid is older and we're less sleep-deprived. (Though a stable triad *would* be nice for that right now...)
@ella_kane mine isn't amazing - I've always been in these sort of relationships since my very first one. It just seemed like the natural thing to do despite the media always depicting monogamous relationships as the norm. Ofcourse, in the early 90's I had no term for this, we just referred to it as 'being open'. I only found out about the word Polyamory a few years ago.
Re: tips, I find the most important thing in these sort of relationships is to be open communications and trusting of your partner/s.
A bunch of technomancers in the fediverse. Keep it fairly clean please. This arcology is for all who wash up upon it's digital shore.